~4min read
As a parent or expecting parent, you may have noticed this lingering assumption that once you’ve had a baby, you’ll automatically become someone else. This idealized after baby version of you. As if suddenly, by some magic, ‘poof’ the baby arrives and you never have any issue spending every possible waking moment with that squishy, adorable, tiny, helpless human. When in reality, no matter what it took to get them there and how much you want that babe in your life, the time to manage your own basic needs will be scarce. The learning curve is steep. You will most certainly undergo rapid change while scrambling your way through the very ambiguous, yet wonderful, new parallel to the life you lived before. Many of us will feel we’re straddling two separate versions of who we are now—person and parent, separate but equal. The mental divide is intrusive, and attempting to satisfy these identities discretely can leave us feeling like less effective parents.
Nothing, let me repeat for effect, NOTHING, prepares you for how hard and scary it is to be needed all the time. The pressure that accompanies it is often anticipated, and we’re initially very confident. However, once it’s here, along comes swift judgment and shame when even remotely acknowledging how difficult it is. Many of us don’t dare breathe a word of it out loud without regret or fear that someone else will mistakenly interpret it as loving our former life more than our kids. Even though no rule says, you can’t hold deep, inexplicable, self-sacrificing, love for your children, and at the same time desire to be your own person with your own space. Struggling with that will never make you a bad, selfish, or hypocritical person/parent even though it can be difficult not to feel that way at times. It can be comforting to acknowledge this is part of what it means to be human and not some robot.
Who you were before, will not magically disappear or cease to exist. You’ll still be an introvert who needs time alone to recharge or an extrovert who needs time to socialize with friends to recenter. You’ll still have personal goals, dreams, and aspirations. You’ll also still want to binge-watch your shows on Netflix, skip the dishes and laundry, and order take out more than you care to cook. You’ll naturally still have moments when you want your time to be yours to spend however you want. The only difference is that now there is someone who can’t help needing the majority of your time to keep them alive. It’s life-altering stuff, make or break, and most of the time, you’re doing it right if you feel like you’re constantly about to break. It’s something that everyone, no matter how altruistic, will have to learn to cope with while feeling buried under their new immense responsibilities. Don’t even get me started on most of us only having a maximum of 12 weeks, ready or not, to manage this transition (insert eye roll).
You’re going to doubt yourself. You’re going to develop insecurities about your parenting style, and you’re going to receive lots of unsolicited advice and criticism. We all do. The projection of perfectionism onto parents is unreal and unachievable, but in truth, we’ve also imposed some of these things on ourselves. Not because of other people’s opinions, but because not one of us wakes up and thinks, how can I screw up my kids today?
In June of 2017, a national poll from the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital in Michigan revealed that across the United States, sixty-one percent of mothers with children age 0-5 felt their parenting was negatively judged.1 Interestingly, the most substantial feelings of criticism were generated from within their own family. This was almost equally distributed by their partner, their in-laws, and their parents. Another national poll from the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital in Michigan from June of 2019, discovered about fifty percent of fathers also felt their parenting choices were being criticized.2 The adverse effects of this involve us feeling less confident as parents, feeling unsure of our parenting choices, and increasing our avoidance of people we perceive as too critical.
Most of us are thinking this criticism isn’t fair. We’re working through this new dynamic while receiving an overwhelming amount of competing information on parenting products, practices, and priorities. We’re all doing our best and deserve to be treated that way until that assumption is disproved. Sadly, it can often feel the other way around that we have to work against a negative assumption to prove that we are ‘good’ parents. So, let’s agree to this, people are going to judge our parenting decisions, and we don’t need to be parents who judge other parents. We mustn’t give anyone the power to think their unfair judgment can somehow make us better parents; it never will. Frankly, it’s downright disruptive to our cause because no matter how trying times can be, we wake up every day with the best intentions.
Next time you feel judged for being imperfect, either internally or externally, don’t let it feed into negative thoughts and feelings. Instead, take a breath, and repeat after me, “go in grace, go in peace, go in kindness.”
Until next time, my parentfriends.
References:
1. C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital. (2017). Mott Poll Report: Mom Shaming or Constructive Criticism? Perspectives of Mothers. Received from https://mottpoll.org/reports-surveys/mom-shaming-or-constructive-criticism-perspectives-mothers
2. Mostafavi, B. (2019). ‘Daddy Shaming’ Happens, Too. Children’s Health. Received from https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org/childrens-health/daddy-shaming-happens-too
Called to Parenthood 